For as long as I can remember, I have been bigger than the majority of my friends. A few years ago, I was a size 8/10 and I still felt bigger than all my friends then. A lot of people I know like to call me ‘curvy’ but I don’t feel ‘curvy.’ I feel chubby. I gained weight while I was at uni due to the nightlife and comfort eating when things got a little stressful. I also got into a new relationship in my second year and it’s a well-known fact that you gain weight in a relationship.
I’m now a size 12-14 in most retail stores and sometimes, this makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. It’s frustrating because I know I shouldn’t be. And these sizes are not even fat. I wouldn’t look at a girl my size and think she was overweight. But when I look at myself and grab my stomach, I feel disgusting. Most of my friends are size 8/10 and they all look incredible. I hate feeling like I’m the only one who has let myself go.
I’ve always had serious confidence issues. All the way through school, even when I was my slimmest, it still wasn’t good enough. In my first year of uni, I came across a girl and due to her own and fair reasons, she took a disliking to me. I accepted that and kept living my life. She didn’t. She came into my place of work on my first ever shift and called me a ‘fat cow.’ I think about that moment every day. It didn’t stop there though, it continued online. She published tweets referring me to ‘Shamu the killer whale’ and ‘Bear in the big blue house’ and various other insults regarding my weight. Her comments have literally destroyed me.
I used to go into my lectures and leave half way through because I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking I was morbidly obese. I used to feel awkward eating in front of people because I felt like they were thinking “surely she doesn’t need that?” I used to cry in my bedroom into my pillow at every little thing she said. She body shamed me. She body shamed me so hard. This was a LONG time ago. I barely think about her anymore, she’s history to me. However, I do think about the comments she made and how they affected me.
And now, I’m even bigger than I was then. It’s hard to take photos with my friends sometimes because I usually feel like “the fat one on the end” but this needs to stop. I can’t go on like this. I’m determined to love myself no matter what. Granted, I will put some effort in to exercise and eat healthier but also, accepting myself is all part of the process. I’m going to work hard to love the way I look and focus on physically helping my body too so I can wear pretty dresses without feeling like a sack of potatoes.
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