A letter to all the people who have ever hurt me

Before you skip ahead and read this post, I just want to explain that a couple of people I’ve included here are still very much in my life and I absolutely love them to pieces if they’re reading this! This blog post is in no way a “dig” at anyone included, it goes without saying that I’ve had a lot of drama in my life. Many break-ups, make-ups, cheating and lying. I’ve received so many messages recently saying how my blog posts are helping people with things they’re going through and that truly eggs me on to write more about personal experiences.

The reason I’m writing this is for the people reading to relate to it and understand that others have experienced whatever they’ve been through or are currently going through. Even if this blog post helps one person, that makes me incredibly happy. So, if you’re reading this and thinking “oh god, this is about me.” It doesn’t matter. People upset others every single day. I know for a fact I’ve upset people I’ve included in this post and other people who aren’t included, it’s normal! Forgiveness exists and it’s not big deal for me to write about these experiences, so it shouldn’t be for you either.

“The first love”

Our relationship was intense. We were young and foolish. Obviously, at the time we were adamant that marriage was on the cards but we were naive. After we broke up, I denied that it was ever “true love” but years after, I’ve realised that actually, it was. And although we were teenagers, it doesn’t mean the memories we made and the moments we shared were meaningless.

We hurt each other throughout our whole relationship and when it ended, I’ve never felt pain quite like it. However, I want you to know that I never “hated” you and I probably never will. I’ll always cherish the time we spent together and I learnt so much from our relationship – what to do and what not to do! (Also, I really miss your Mum, your sister and your dog.)

Although you moved on quickly with someone I considered my friend and I was undeniably angry, there was never any hate there. I still walk through the village and think about old times and I listen to certain songs and feel nostalgic about our relationship but I’m happy now and I hope you are too.

“The new girlfriend”

I knew as soon as I took everything out on you that I had made a mistake and would mourn our friendship but the fact of the matter is, I couldn’t possibly remain friends with you when I was still in love with your boyfriend, my ex. The fact you were together killed me inside and how quickly it happened hurt me even more.

The entire time you were with him was heartbreaking for me. I got together with a boy for 2 months but he was a complete rebound and I couldn’t stay in the relationship, I hurt him. This happened so long ago but sometimes I still get flashbacks to the day I found out you were together. I cried all day at college, embarrassing myself in front of new friends.

If I could go back to that day, I never would have sent you that horrible text but I hope you know that I was just hurting – a lot. I said some really nasty things to you but months after your relationship ended and I reached out to you, you were so kind. I sometimes feel like I didn’t deserve that! We went for a lovely walk and fixed our friendship. I haven’t seen you in a while but when we do bump into each other, it feels like the past never happened and I love how we can joke about it all now!

“The one who stole my best friend”

My best friend is always there for me, we always have the best time and we have the funniest and craziest memories ever. I honestly have no idea what I would do without her in my life sometimes.

She’s caring, beautiful and hilarious and I’m still waiting for the day we get our own TV show! She’s been through so much yet she’s one of the strongest people I know!

I just WISH she had never met that horrible boy who took her away from me. He took a disliking to me and knocked it into her head that I wasn’t “good for her”. She became distant, and all of her time would be dedicated to him. He was controlling, malicious and jealous. My best friend and I ended up not speaking for a whole year, but, when I found out he had ended with her without an explanation, I reached out to her and we went for a coffee. I had never seen someone so heartbroken in my life and it hurt me so much.

Thank god we’re okay now, our friendship literally clicked back into place as soon as we met up, but I’ll never forgive him for what he did and the damage he caused.

“The cheater”

Of course you were going to creep your way back onto my blog just like you creeped your way into all those girls’ beds while we were together. You ruined me. I couldn’t have been a better girl for you and I was starting to fall in love with you but I wasn’t enough. You destroyed my confidence, my trust and my ability to see my own worth.

The hardest thing for me was your lies. You told me every day how much you adored me, you always treated me like the only girl in the world, you spoiled me rotten, you made me trust you with my whole heart and soul because of the way you treated me but all along, I just wasn’t enough and temptation was too much for you.

You’ve probably hurt me the most out of everyone in this letter, but I think you know this. I think you know the damage you’ve caused and I wish I knew how sorry you were, but I know you never cared, otherwise you never would have done what you did to me. I just hope and pray you don’t do this to another innocent girl.

“The flatmate”

Oh, how I wish we had just stayed friends! I always tell people how much I wish we had just stayed friends and avoided our relationship all along. We got on SO well before we moved into that flat and we ruined it ourselves. I feel like we would have remained great friends if we just agreed to not take things further.

Nonetheless, I still love remembering our happy times together and the banter we had! I’m so glad you’re happy now with a gorgeous girlfriend because we certainly weren’t right for each other. You hurt me in different ways than others, you hurt me when we weren’t “exclusive” and I almost feel like we got into a relationship purely so you’d stop doing the things that were hurting me and I’d stop doing the things that were hurting you. I was getting so upset that I thought the only solution was for us to be together to make everything stop.

Our uni experiences certainly would have been different if we never got together. I don’t regret it because we learnt a lot from each other. However, if I could take anything back, it would be the way we ended the relationship. I wish we were both more mature about it and I wish we decided to try and make a friendship out of it. It would have made living together for a year a lot easier, that’s for sure!

“The friends I lost”

All 3 of you hurt me in different ways. I considered you all like sisters. I think each friendship ended for silly reasons. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on our friendships because I’m still happy and still have a lot of great friends but I do sometimes wonder whether there were deeper problems in our friendships and whether in a few years time we’ll all look back and think how petty we were.

The first friend – We were inseparable. When we found out we were going to be flatmates, we were SO excited. We talked 24/7 and as soon as we met, I felt like we’d been friends for years. Still to this day, I don’t know what happened. You cut us all off and I was genuinely heartbroken. I have no idea what you’re up to but I really hope you’re doing well and you’re happy.

The second friend – I disagreed with ways you handled things and frowned upon your decisions and the way you treated certain friends in our group. You hurt a lot of people when you made decisions but it seems like you’re happy with the way life is panning out for you which is great. If you’re happy and don’t regret any of the choices you made, that’s for the best! I think our friendship was strong while it lasted and we had a lot of fun but, sometimes, I just wish things went differently.

The third friend – I think about you a lot and I really worry about you sometimes, I always wanted to check up on you when we were friends and make sure you were doing okay and I still do! You hurt me when I needed to put myself first due to personal reasons, you snapped and made me feel like I was doing a bad thing. I never wanted the friendship to end and deep down, I don’t think you did either.

“His ex”

I hesitate to use the word “hate” but I seriously, seriously dislike you for the things you put me through. You bullied me for months over something you didn’t even know the full story to.

I know more than anything how much it hurts when someone you loved/love moves on and finds someone else and granted, your ex moved on incredibly quickly when he met me but I got ALL the blame. And too much of it. You called me horrible names, you turned up at my workplace and you embarrassed me on social media.

I had weekly panic attacks because of the things you said about me and I struggled so much with going to lectures and feeling confident in going out.

You threatened me and made me feel anxious and scared to walk around my new city and I’ll never forget the things you said to me. I replay it in my head over and over again without even realising it and without having any control over it.

I wouldn’t even put my worst enemy through the things you put me through. I just hope you’ve learnt to deal with heartbreak better and haven’t made anyone else feel the way you made me feel.

“The boyfriend”

I don’t think anyone has ever loved me as much as you do. You constantly go out of your way to make me smile and make sure I’m safe. You’re the best person I’ve ever had in my life and I love you to bits – words can’t even explain!

We’ve been together 2 and a half years and obviously, nobody is perfect! I know I’ve hurt you in the past with things I’ve said in a heated argument and I know I can always be a better girlfriend but since I found out I have generalised anxiety disorder, it’s taken a giant weight off my chest – I finally know it’s not my fault or it’s not your fault when I’m not feeling great or when I’m feeling irritable. I’m so sorry you’re sometimes caught at the end of it and hopefully my medication will control it. We haven’t argued in so long now and everything feels like it did when we first got together.

You have hurt me, but it’s fine because unlike other people, you apologise and you make up for it and I can see every time that you genuinely feel guilty whenever you upset or hurt me. It’s never intentional and it’s extremely rare that you do but in the past, you have. We both forgive and forget – it’s what we do. And I’ve hurt you back. We have a very strong relationship and we spend a lot of time together, we’re bound to clash sometimes – especially if I’m having a down day! But you’re so understanding now, you’ve researched about my illness and you’re helpful and I love you. I never want to hurt you ever again and I know you feel exactly the same way.

***

Sometimes I worry that I’m too sensitive but my close friends and family remind me that actually no, I’ve been through some shit and that’s why I struggle with confidence and with my mood now. Although I’ve been hurt a lot, I’m sure other people have been hurt a lot worse and by more people. My one piece of advice for anyone that has ever been hurt is to learn from it. As difficult as it is, try to embrace the pain you’re feeling and use it to help you grow and become a better and stronger person. That’s what I’m doing and it’s working, when people do me wrong or say hurtful things about me, I put it all into perspective and know that whatever happens, there are always people who love me for who I am and at the end of the day, if I love myself and the people I truly care about love me… That’s all that matters.

How do you deal with being hurt?

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4 Comments

  1. April 18, 2018 / 10:43 PM

    Found you through insta, love this post! So deep and really interesting to read. Great post, look forward to reading more x

    • amylt
      Author
      April 23, 2018 / 11:19 AM

      Aw wow, thanks so much chick! So kind of you xx

  2. Abbey
    April 19, 2018 / 5:36 PM

    please never stop writing blogs.

    • amylt
      Author
      April 23, 2018 / 11:19 AM

      I won’t lovely! So glad they’re helping you xxx

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